Comments on: When Your Mother Needs Mothering

By: Jameson

Jameson — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 20:37:18 +0000

Dude lolz I feel like I wrote this in so many ways lolz… I’ll spare the interfishnets the gory details.
🤷😂🤣😂🤷

By: Jessica Maia

Jessica Maia — Wed, 28 Jun 2017 03:20:34 +0000

I’m a little late, but thank you for writing this. Living in the US, my mother is from another country and never bothered learning English, and instead would depend on me to translate for her since I became fluent in English at 5. It became a huge burden that I still carry with me today. In combination with many other problems, our relationship has struggled from co-dependence to resentment toward each other. Both of us had mental illnesses we were unaware of, and she was the biggest challenge in my life growing up.

Our relationship is far from what I saw many girls have with their mother; it is something I have always been envious of. I couldn’t imagine living a life where I am best friends with my mother. It has gotten better thanks to dreadfully talking it out, and it is still a struggle. Thank you for speaking up and being real about something that is so sensitive. Not all of us have perfect mothers. These topics need to be brought to light.

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Fri, 26 May 2017 16:00:58 +0000

Wow, thank you for writing this. I know this struggle, this constant never ending 20 year battle with the woman who birthed me and who’s supposed to be my BFF but who, again and again and again, we just can’t figure each other out. Her insecurities and depression and me growing up watching that and living in that and under that and resenting it and feeling so different and wanted to be so separate from such a young age and now being older and not wiser and realizing I have the same insecurities and depression. Thank you for validating this struggle. I want, I crave healing in my relationship with my mom. I have hope we can get there one day. Thank you for your honesty.

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Mon, 22 May 2017 17:43:01 +0000

In reply to Brianna. Thank you for letting ME know that I'M not alone. <3

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Mon, 22 May 2017 17:42:30 +0000

In reply to Meg. I feel like you're going to be the greatest mom ever.

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Mon, 22 May 2017 17:36:45 +0000

In reply to Sarah. Sarah you are an amazing human. Thanks for sharing this <3

By: Ashley

Ashley — Mon, 22 May 2017 15:40:50 +0000

I’m in the same boat. My mom is bi-polar and my dad was a quiet alcoholic that stowed away in his own room the entire time I was growing up. At a young age I had to learn about horrific things happened to my mother to trigger this diagnosis and deal with the emotional and scary outcomes of that come with bipolar. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and have similar habits of tracking others emotions in order to avoid conflict. I spent so many years just trying to survive and make everyone laugh to keep the mood stable that I didn’t take time to handle how I felt. For the past two years I’ve been in therapy learning how to avoid going into PTSD spells and find a path back to my mom and dad. I’m still angry and resentful but I do want to have some relationship. Forgiveness has been tough because I don’t feel like she really hears me. So much of our previous communication on the topic didn’t lead anywhere and often resulted in me feeling bad for bringing it up. I either got the “I’m sorry i’m a bad mom” response or the silent treatment or it must be something else going on in my life to bring this up. I don’t need her to apologize for being a bad mom because the sympathy for what she endured is already there. And to have someone ‘gaslight’ your feelings makes it really difficult to speak up. I wish she would acknowledge and understand how I feel and have empathy for me instead of assuming it must be other areas of my life that are the problem. I don’t know how you were able to have this conversation with your mother because for me it feels like climbing mt. Everest. If your mother also deflected or downplayed your feelings I’d love to hear how you were able to get through to her.

Thank you for this post – it makes us feel less alone

By: Christina

Christina — Sat, 20 May 2017 07:10:07 +0000

I relate so much to that. My mom has been dealing with depression for so many years. Around 4 years ago my parents decided to break up, and it was a terrible thing going on and off for 3-4 years, me and my sister in the middle of it, playing counselors to both of them. We were fine with them breaking up because we knew it’d be better for both of them. But my mom’s depression got worse and she had zero support from her family and very few friends, so we were like the only people she got. (Our grandmother had also passed earlier that year so another big part of the family was missing as well.) Let’s just say that after 4 years of emotionally supporting them, both me and my sister’s mental defenses got “drained”, we both got close to depression and realized that the best thing we could do is detach ourselves a little. To be there for them but to not play the “parents” in the family.

I don’t get the being-friends-with-your-parents thing but I’m grateful that we’ve always been having open discussions, even of things that hurt. Honesty is the key to any relationship.

By: CLAIRE

CLAIRE — Fri, 19 May 2017 14:44:49 +0000

GIRL. Mmmm. The feelz.

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Thu, 18 May 2017 23:52:03 +0000

In reply to Thao. Oh this spoke to me so, so much. Thank you for writing this note <3

By: Michelle

Michelle — Thu, 18 May 2017 13:25:35 +0000

I totally get this. While my mom and I never had a full blown fight, we still don’t always click. while I know my mom has always done her best, sometimes her best doesn’t make sense or doesn’t feel enough. But yeah, Gilmore girls and Hallmark cards are not always be easy to relate to.

By: Thao

Thao — Thu, 18 May 2017 12:52:55 +0000

This post spoke to me so much, with its honesty and its grace. There is definitely shame surrounding mother-daughter relationships that aren’t perfect; it feels like a failure not only of personhood but of womanhood when you can’t connect to your mother in the sunshine-and-daisies way of Gilmore Girls, et. al. My own mother struggled with mental health issues. We still have never spoken about it, but I have a much deeper understanding, having now waded through my own seas of sadness. I don’t much to contribute, except to say that you are not alone, and that it’s so good to see other women who have muddled through the “shoulds” and “musts” of familial relationships. The more we recognize that not all family structures look / feel the same (utopic), the more likely we are to get to a place of truth – and real love.

By: Eva

Eva — Thu, 18 May 2017 10:26:06 +0000

Thank you for writing this post and i must admit i felt severe anger towards you while reading this post but when i cooled off and think with a relaxed mind, i truly understands what you're pointing at. WOW.. This is Amazing

By: Monarose Ryan

Monarose Ryan — Thu, 18 May 2017 01:00:46 +0000

In reply to Rose.

This resonated with me as well!

My husband once told me that each generation can only go so far from the last… And though I can choose to think of it as depressing, there is something reassuring in knowing that we are not only all connected through blood but our experiences making it easier to not only forgive my mother’s shortcomings but my own as I try to improve.

By: Brianna

Brianna — Wed, 17 May 2017 21:12:24 +0000

Thank you for writing this. There are more people out there than you know who can relate. I understand the strange mix of guilt, shocking revelations, forgiveness, pain, and self-preservation that happens in relationships like this. It’s like you said, no one’s perfect and it’s difficult to live in that truth at all times. So again, thank you for writing this and letting us know we’re not alone.

By: Meg

Meg — Wed, 17 May 2017 20:09:53 +0000

Oh man do I feeeeeeel this. I lurve my momma like no other, but our relationship is far far from perfect. And to up the ante, I’m pregnant with a little boss babe and terrified of repeating this situation.

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Wed, 17 May 2017 19:45:50 +0000

In reply to Monarose Ryan. I totally get you and you're absolutely not alone. Mom/Daughter relationships are FREAKING HARD.

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Wed, 17 May 2017 19:44:33 +0000

In reply to Rose. EVERYTHING you said I'm like "Yes. YES. Yes!" <3

By: Sarah

Sarah — Wed, 17 May 2017 19:22:56 +0000

I really needed to hear this from someone else – thank you so much for sharing. I was a teenager when my mom turned to alcohol to deal with her issues and I’ve felt like the mother and therapist ever since. From getting her into rehab to making sure she’s going to therapy and diffusing meltdowns – I hope one day I get to be the kid again.

By: Monarose Ryan

Monarose Ryan — Wed, 17 May 2017 19:02:48 +0000

Thank you so much for sharing this. As someone who also struggles in my relationship with my mother/parents I appreciate how hard this was to write and to share. Thank you for your honesty and your bravery!

By: Liz Welle

Liz Welle — Wed, 17 May 2017 18:07:13 +0000

In reply to Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog. I totally get you, girl. <3

By: Rose

Rose — Wed, 17 May 2017 16:54:21 +0000

I think (and I know about myself that this is my go-to theoretical frame) but I do think that the pressure our society puts on women is part of the mix here. Put two of them together, mix that with gerontocracy and voila: a recipe for strained relationships.

My relationship with my mum is similar. She seems like such a child to me in some ways and I can see much more clearer now that she has not processed a lot of things that were done to HER as a child. I want to be… better? I still feel guilty when I say that. But I guess I just do not want to continue the cycle.

By: Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog

Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog — Wed, 17 May 2017 16:25:25 +0000

I can relate so well to this. I was (am) a very hormonal, know-it-all person, and my Mum is well… dealing with some mental issues too. We fight a LOT. It’s either great for us or horrible, there are no in betweens. Reading this made me feel so much better, like I’m not the only one out there who’s not SUPER close to her mother.
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Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com