I don’t know how many times I’ve come back to your site even just to re-read this post. Thank you for sharing this raw side of your journey. I am in a too-close-for-comfort situation myself right now. While my last break-up wasn’t a legal one, it certainly still pains and haunts me on the daily. Being alone right now is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

During our relationship, my ex got diagnosed with bipolar disorder with intermittent explosive disorder (instead of mania, he experiences rage). After 3 excruciating years of being his advocate and caretaker, watching him become a prescription drug addict before my eyes, and needless to say, feeling hopeless and alone in every way possible, I had leave him to somehow save myself instead. I moved into my own place 50 miles away and closer to work, but stayed in touch with him for a few months in hopes that being supportive would help him heal. It eventually became too much for me, and I cut off all ties. Then my greatest fear took form: he tried taking his life three times as a response.

A month ago, I lost that job I moved here for and now feel more alone in this space than ever. I have family somewhat nearby, but my friends are scattered across the country as many of us do. Being alone has been both my saving grace but also extremely crippling.

I, too, am a creative (marketing, writing, design), who has battled depression and anxiety my whole life. I was hopeful in the beginning that after surviving my break-up, and even my job loss, I could pick myself up and pour myself into creative endeavors if only to distract myself. But, alas, those voices in my head you’ve also referenced are louder than ever. I’m frightened and feel paralyzed by the weight of everything that I’ve experienced over the last 6 months. These walls have seen more tears and pain than I’d like to know. I also have my moments where I dance around to music, cook for myself, read in the tub by candlelight with no disruptions and experience wonderful, albeit fleeting, feelings of freedom and self-love. So, I know it’s possible to cross to the other side, but most days I cannot fathom my life ever being anything other than miserable with a rare splash of sunshine.

I finally felt compelled to share my story in case even one other visitor to your blog comes across my comment and knows there are others out there in their shoes. Empathy from other women has helped the healing process, but I’m still in the trenches.

What did you do, Kate, to help you get out of the muck? I, too, am in therapy. It’s a lifeline, but I feel as if I could use a therapist daily vs. weekly lately. I’m wondering what else worked for you – especially how you were able to work on this blog and such. My creative mojo has floundered. I’m overwhelmed, exasperated, and get mad at myself when I’m not productive as that is one day lost and one day closer to my meager unemployment benefits expiring.
Do you remember a turning point where you felt more love than fear on the daily?

I am holding by a thread of hope it will happen for me, too…

Thank you again for always sharing your genuine and authentic spirit!

All the best,
Erika

Thank you, Kate!!

I recently discovered you blog and all its wonders and I love it!! this post in particular cause i went through something very similar in the last couple of years; moved on my own for the first time while going through a breakup and a depression … starting from scratch somewhere new and discovering and acknoledgning myself. Today things are so much better than they used to be, I mean I never would have thought it could get this much better. Thank you for sharing your story and know that your are far from alone :).

stef xx

Thank you for your sweet comment, Ashlee!

I found pictures of your apartment and tacked them as inspiration. I’m just separated from my beloved boyfriend of many years, and your apartment is what I idealized as a place of ‘oh she’s got it all’.

Your vulnerability is the biggest form of courage, and reminds me that we are all human each having our own experience. On this side of the computer looking into your world, I would have never guessed it was such a moment for you.

Thank you for not only being transparent, but for the deep reminder that with every light there’s a shadow, and that a broken heart is really the doorway to god.

With love,
a

And the apartment looks simply gorgeous!

I can not thank you enough for opening up yourself and sharing this with us. I know it wasn’t easy. My goal for this year is to open up through my blog as well. And so far, I have gotten the most amazing support. It’s good to finally get those off your chest, you know? I am totally supporting you and just SO SO proud of you, woman!! I know it hasn’t been easy. 2011 was extremely rough for me and my 6 month separation b/w my husband was the wake up call I needed. I had so much time to work on MYSELF in which I have neglected my entire adulthood. Growing up with a sick mother, siblings I needed to help take care of, there was never time for me. Okay, maybe there was… but I never allowed it to be. Until two years ago when, I too, started therapy. And truly working on myself. What an amazing life change. I am still baffled just how much I am STILL discovering about myself.

Again, thank you so very much for sharing your story with us! You’re remarkable, you’re beautiful and one fucking hell of a woman. Soo much love for you!!